Just over a week ago my mother, my son and I flew to Florida for a vacation from the winter rains in Oregon. One of the events we had scheduled during our time there was a family gathering. This was not going to be an ordinary reunion. For one thing, my father died in April last year and we were going to gather on the eve of what would have been his 80th birthday. Another thing that set this gathering apart was that it would be the first time that my mother, my (ex) stepmother and my current stepmother would all be there, along with all of their respective children (my brother, stepsisters and stepbrothers - both current and ex). Needless to say, there were some politics involved. But I can also say that there were probably no more politics involved then in any family reunion.

One of the things I find wonderful about being part of a blended family is the fact that we all recognize each other as family. My father married three times - for about 16 years each time. He did several things right in his marriages. First, he picked good, smart, loving women to marry. Second, he stayed married long enough that we had the time to share experiences and develop a sense of family with each other. Third, he always emphasized the importance of family. Lastly, he was stubborn in developing and maintaining a relationship with each of his children. He didn’t push, in fact we had to take him as he was. But he didn’t waiver in that, and he was a big and complex man who could offer each of us something that made our world bigger. He showed us in his own way that family is not just blood relations, but is also made over time by showing up, however we can, again and again. 

Although there is a piece of me that used to yearn for a more traditional extended family, I don’t anymore. I am fortunate to be part of this blended family that has my father as its common thread. I have a brother who I continue to learn from, stepsisters I got to spend time with as I grew up , and stepbrothers and a stepsister who, although almost 20 years younger than me, have been a pleasure to get to know as they have stepped into their adult lives. I enjoy and admire my stepmothers for a variety of reasons, and have a deep and close relationship with my own mother. Who could ask for anything more?

I am also lucky to have a stepdaughter who I have had the privilege of watching grow up from her mid-teen years over the past eight years. Our connection is obviously not through my father, but again, my sense of family knew how to stretch, and I value my changing relationship with her. 

One of my father’s greatest gifts has been to teach us all that a family can still be a family after divorce. We will look different, we will function in ways that are different then they had been, we will have to stretch and get bigger (if we are lucky), but we are all, ultimately, family connected by love. Glad you could make it to the gathering, Dad.